Role-Playing Relaxation
Definitions
Relaxation is an experience, a temporary state of being, that is available only under certain internal and external circumstances. The experience of relaxation is the end result of a subjective equation of elements combining in just the right way. Regarding these variables, there may be more consensus between individuals on what is not relaxing than what is relaxing. For some, low stimulation activity and “mono-tasking” may be relaxing, while these same ingredients may be unpleasant and stressful for others. Speculation aside, there are some “relaxing things” generally agreed upon on the macro-pop-culture scale (e.g. massage, spa, yoga).
Role-play is to represent a pre-existing ideal through behavior. Role-play is first reliant on one’s notion of some concept. Then, action must be taken to perform the behavioral components of this concept.
Role-playing Relaxation then, is to physically do “relaxing things” without experiencing relaxation.
Is This Me?
No matter what I try...
Nothing changes
It feels like a waste of time
I am more stressed after
I feel guilty the whole time
I can not stop thinking about what happened (“What was”)
I can not stop thinking about what I have to do after this (“What’s next”)
If these scenarios are familiar to you, or if they remind you of similar experiences that you have while doing “relaxing things”, you may be Role-playing Relaxation.
Potential Influencing Factors
Having a general interest, in whatever it is that you are doing to relax seems the essential starting point. Without interest, there would be no motivation for inquiry or initiation to do the “relaxing thing”. It is possible for interest to be intrinsically motivated, extrinsically motivated, or some combination of both. You thought of it, heard about it, read about it, were told about it, or watched a Tiktok, Reel, or Short about it, and found it appealing as a potentially “relaxing thing”.
After interest, you need buy-in to the efficacy of the “relaxing thing” as something that can induce relaxation. For example, you might be skeptical if you were told that kicking a bee hive and sticking around for a few minutes would induce relaxation. While you might be more trusting in the ability of a hot sauna to induce relaxation.
Determining meaningful engagement even more so might be your comfort broadly. Comfort with the physical environment like temperature, location, air flow, and distance from home. Your comfort with the dynamics inherent to the “relaxing thing”. If there is physical contact, if there is an element of service, comfort with hierarchy and expectations. Whether or not the “relaxing thing” happens in independent or group settings. Comfort with cost, time, and energy spent pursuing relaxation.
Interest,buy-in, and comfortfactors combine to form your degree of openness to meaningfully engaging with the “relaxing thing”. Openness to allow the “relaxing thing” to permeate and influence your experience.
Presenceis the ability to sustain meaningful engagement with the current environment and ensuing experience. Common pitfalls to presence are “What was” and “What’s next”. “What was” can be rooted in anxious rumination, depression, and trauma. Anxiety, caretaking responsibilities, work or travel stress, all ask “What’s next”. Both of these questions can include fun things too like concerts, dates, major life events, or future birthday celebrations.
Relaxation happens when openness and presence combine.
What if they don’t combine?
Seeking the Professionals
It is essential to have a sense of what might be relaxing to you, and not just what pop-culture has suggested. Exploring values and practicing somatic attunement are great places to begin.
Values help to guide action by identifying what is agreeable and worth spending the energy to act on. Elements of the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) model are used by mental health professionals to help identify values and apply them in life.
Somatic attunement is a practice of interoception that can be developed through strategies like Progressive Muscle Relaxation and Mindfulness. This is the process of getting to know yourself and your body more intimately, with acceptance and compassion for any needs and preferences.
If you do “relaxing things” but do not feel relaxed during or after, you might be Role-playing Relaxation. Picking the right outlets for relaxation and being present during engagement are important considerations when trying to relax. If you have trouble with any step of the process, there are plenty of professionals willing and able to help.
Written by Trevor Holak, MA, LAC
